Balls: Out (Bunk’s Balls Come Out!)
That’s right people, don’t neuter your dog. Unless of course, you are the sadistic type who, when not subjecting innocent and defenseless animals to what would be considered torture on humans, likes to spend your time dressing up in leather and using safe words. Yes, neutering is mean and cruel. So why do the humans do it? It’s simple: they envy us. They are so wrought with self loathing and anger over their pathetic and menial lives, and so jealous of us dogs, that they pay a veterinarian (don’t even get me started on them) to systematically remove the most sacred part our bodies.
I love my Pug Balls!
People out there might be asking themselves: “Bunk, there are many benefits of neutering a dog, why don’t you just thank the humans for saving you from a lot of trouble you might face from having testicles?” That is a valid question for anyone who is not a dog. What the humans don’t understand is that getting neutered takes away one of the best parts of being a dog: licking your scrotum. Groin licking is such an essential part of being a dog that taking it away is like taking away our ability to eat other dog’s poop. I remember the good old days of being a pug puppy… all I used to do was eat food and lick my balls.
People think dogs lick themselves to stay clean. Ha! -That’s what cats do. Dogs are filthy and hedonistic; we lick ourselves because we like it, and especially because it embarrasses the humans. There’s nothing more satisfying than cramming your face deep into your crotch right after hearing the humans brag to their friends about how well behaved and refined their puppy is. The benefits of neutering a dog lie only in the human’s grand plan of holding us dogs into submission because they know that we are trying to humiliate them every chance we get. Everyone wants his or her dog to be Boo, but I’m not Boo! I hate Boo! I’m a nut licking, poop eating, tail chasing, dinner party wrecking pug puppy who believes that castration is an abomination! Besides, when and if I ever get neutered, I prefer to do it myself.
Benefits of Neutering a Dog: Doing it Yourself
My journey of castration began one month ago when the humans took me to get metal things stuck up my butt at the veterinarian clinic. At the time, the humans were fussing about me having something call a urinary track infection -whatever that is. It was probably just another scheme the humans used to get me to the vet, which is where I’m either getting poked with sharp needles, prodded anally with long metal objects, or getting mocked by other humans for being a scrunchy-faced pug. The vet explained the benefits of neutering a dog to the humans, who are suckers for the vet’s advice, and scheduled to have me come in a month later. This was very difficult news for me. Only one month left with my balls? What would I do? How could I go on?
Pug the Pug Meets Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
I immediately began experiencing the five stages of grief. At first I was in denial. “This is just a big joke,” I thought. Then after a while I became angry. I barked and I yelled and even chased my tail. The rage eventually got so bad that I began taking it out on my Kong.
I then began bargaining, telling one of the humans that I would stop ripping apart her stuffed animals if she would just reconsider removing my balls. I then became depressed. Things got so bad that I stopped eating (luckily this stage only lasted about five minutes ). Eventually I decided to accept my fate and thought about how to live post-castration. ”I’m a pug,” I thought to myself. ”I’ve got to take advantage of this next month and treasure the time I have remaining with my balls.” Which I did. I licked and I licked; I humped and I humped (mostly chairs and legs); and I’m telling you, I wrote Jessica Alba every day asking her to save me from my impending appointment with the sharp blade of a scalpel -she never came.