You ever have one of those days where you come home to find another dog in your house? It really sucks. To all of you humans out there, it’s kind of like going to work and finding a stranger sitting behind your desk using Facebook on your computer, or for unemployed, it’s like coming home and finding someone else laying on your couch watching the The Price is Right and eating your Doritos. That’s kind of how I felt yesterday when I came home with the humans only to find a big fat yellow dog named Lady laying down in the middle of the carpet (which is my spot) and wagging her tail like she just got her anal glands expressed.
You should have seen the smug look on her old face; she looked stuffier than a yuppie that just bought his first Prius. I was so angry. The worst part was that she wasn’t even tearing up the house. What kind of self-respecting dog goes into a human’s house without causing just a little bit of destruction? I don’t get it. The minute I walked in the house I saw so many opportunities to cause havoc -a new purse to my left, brand new leather shoes to my right- that I couldn’t believe the humans weren’t on the floor weeping. What was she doing? Sitting there on the ground waiting for the humans to rub her belly. Well, show me a dog who would rather get a belly rub than tear up some expensive possessions and I’ll show you a dog that I’m going to bark at. Which is what I did.
“BARK BARK BARK!” I went. “HOWLA HOWLA HOWLA!” I yelled. I did everything I could think of to piss her off: I ran up to her, barked, and then ran away; I got right up behind her and bit her butt; and I even stole the bully stick the stupid humans had given her earlier. What did she do? Nothing. What kind of dog was this? It was like she was calm or something. So strange. I mean, the only time I’m ever calm is after a good hour of chewing on the bed or a hefty serving of Husky poop. What would it take to piss off this dog?
While going back and forth between thinking of ways to annoy Lady and running into walls (what can I say, I’m a pug) I realized that the humans were spending a lot of time rubbing her belly and scratching her muzzle. What was this? Then they began saying things like “oh Lady I wish Bunk could be more like you” and “Lady you are so well behaved.” Seriously? I am not well behaved for a reason, which is because I am a pug puppy! Humans, if you wanted a well behaved dog you should have gotten a lab. I’m a pug. I destroy everything and fart in people’s faces. Why? Because I have such a ridiculous looking pug face and pug tongue that any destruction I cause is immediately negated by virtue of my cuteness.
After a good deal of time using my pug brain to hatch an ingenious plot against Lady, I decided that I was going to run up to her and pee on her face. Fortunately for Lady that by the time the idea struck me I had already been in my crate for over an hour (I sometimes forget where I am). I really wanted to pee on Lady’s face, so I began crying and whining so the humans would let me out. The minute my crate opened I jumped out and ran frantically looking for Lady and her smug looking face to pee on. Where was she? Where did she go? She was gone! I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I was so relieved that the humans finally came to their senses and threw her in dumpster, but strangely conflicted because I wanted to pee on her face so badly. Who was I going to pee on now? I peed on one of the humans three seconds later.
What did I learn from this lesson? Well, mostly nothing since I’m a pug and have a brain the size of cat poop, but what little faculties I do have allowed me string together this piece of wisdom: The next time I see another dog in my house I am going to pee on it.