Just Say No to Dog Parks!
It’s official: I do not like dog parks, so if you ever see me, do not ask if I want to go to dog park, because if you do I will pee on your pant leg. If you further insist on taking me to a dog park I will pee on your first-born! Here’s the thing folks, I’m not a dog person -I’m a people person- and this would be very evident to you if you spent any time with me, which is why I am so pissed at the stupid humans for ignoring all of the obvious signs that Bunk, the little cute black pug who is no more than ten-pounds-covered-in-poop, does not want to go to a place roaming with big fat ugly dogs that get their kicks sitting on me and licking my scrotum! It’s bad enough that I don’t have any balls; having a filthy chocolate lab treat my scrotum like it’s an ice cream cone just adds insult to injury. It is obvious the humans felt I needed another dog licking my scrotum – they do it to each other all of the time! What the humans do not understand is that I am a pug fully capable of licking my own scrotum, which is an ability I pity they do not possess since it is such an enjoyable activity.
I really need to make this clear to the humans: JUST BECAUSE YOU SEE YOUR FRIENDS TAKING THEIR DOGS TO PARK DOES NOT MEAN I WANT TO GO! There. Sorry for screaming. You see, a little pug like me going to a dog park is like Bernie Madoff’s first day in federal prison; yeah, I got humped, and those dogs were big. Luckily I have no shame; otherwise I might have felt violated.
I think the root of this problem is that the humans have not yet accepted me for being me -a pug! I understand that all humans are alike (in both looks and characteristics), but that does not mean all dogs are the same. All pugs aren’t the same either. Pugs are very unique creatures; we are sensitive and simple in the pleasures we desire, and are perfectly content spending our days eating, pooping, and tearing up the house. It is our simple, homespun nature that makes us so lovable. I am a black pug puppy, and my job is to provide entertainment. If you want a cool dog that can do a lot of tricks -get a Lab.
All of dog behavior comes down to the humans. It was the human’s fault for taking me to the dog park, and it was other human’s fault for allowing their dogs to have their way with me like I was the lone woman in a bar full of sailors on shore leave. Dog parks are supposed to be a safe place for dogs to mingle and socialize. It is not a place for anarchy, and humans need to properly govern their dogs if they wish for them to behave civilly. Dog parks are not places to see your furry friends act out Lord of the Flies. They require rules, understanding, and, if necessary, discipline (for the humans, not the dogs).
I give credit where credit is due, and while the human’s actions were reprehensible and worthy of legal action, they took the right steps in getting me out of that horrible dog park once things got out of control, which was when a giant yellow lab decided to lie on top of me like I was a pillow -too bad I’m a pug. Once the humans decided that it was time to leave, they picked me up and walked away from all of the other dogs. One stupid human (who was with the ugly yellow lab) told the humans that it was a “bad idea” to pick me up since it would excite all of the other dogs. Really? Excite all of the other dogs? Human, did you not see all of those other dogs treat me like I was their personal chew toy? They also found a really great spot next to the dog park where I can run around all by my self without any other dogs treating me like I have a “bite me” sign stuck to my butt. This spot is so great because it allows me to be the little black pug puppy that I am.
Sorry for the diatribe, I need to go back to doing what I, as well as other pugs, do best: pooping on the carpet and chewing on cell phones. In conclusion, I would like to provide advice for humans reading this blog (are humans literate?): Do not ever make an uninformed decision. Read your dog and base your decisions on his or her behavior. Pay attention to how well he or she acts around other dogs in the neighborhood before introducing them to the gladiator arena that is a dog park, and never do anything you do not feel completely comfortable with. If you want to socialize your dog, but do not know how, go to a forum and ask other dog owners for help. Trying putting together a dog play date with someone you know and trust. If you own a pug, please remember that we are silly creatures who are not always comfortable around other, bigger dogs, and would much rather spend out time running into walls (that’s how pugs get their wrinkles) and biting humans fingers.