New Year’s Eve Mayhem – Pug Style
New Year’s Eve is officially the greatest day ever! It is so much fun because it is the only time of the year when the humans come to their senses and allow me to cause the kind of destruction every pug so desperately wants to generate. It was so great running around like a mad-pug, chewing on random tables, knocking down random objects, and eating all kinds of random things on the ground, which is absolutely fantastic because a little puppy like myself loves more than a kitchen full of drunk humans dropping half of their hors d’oeuvre on the ground because their motor skills have gone to such mush they can’t coordinate food to get from their mouths to their faces. It was raining food, and I was right there -happily- to clean it up like a vacuum cleaner. In fact, I did such a good job a keeping the floor clean that I think the humans are considering using me as a full-time carpet and kitchen cleaner.
The best part about causing destruction on New Years was that I got to embarrass the humans. They are so silly. They actually thought they could take me somewhere and not cause destruction for an entire night. Why did they do this? They are both capable, intelligent individuals who carry demanding jobs. They are rational, honest, clear-headed, and have good judgement. In the human world, they are what would be considered “upstanding citizens.” Of course, all of their judgement gets thrown out the window and peed on by a Sharpei when I come into the picture. Their brains get so polluted with ideas of showing me off to their friends and wanting to exploit my cuteness for social praise from other humans. It is amazing how low a scrunchy, pug face will make some people go…
No puggin’ Way
The night began early when we arrived at what I thought was just some random human’s house. As we approached the door I plotted my course of action for the night and decided that I would start off with the whole “I’m a cute little pug please give me a belly rub” act, and slowly increase the level of destructiveness as the humans got more and more intoxicated.
Thing got kind of strange, however, when we got inside and I smelled something strange…something I hadn’t smelled for quiet sometime…
It was Lady! OMG! This was going to be interesting night. Not only did I get to cause mayhem with the humans but I got to torment Lady for the entire night. This was going to be fun! The first thing I did when I saw her was give her butt a nice sniffing just to make sure it was really her -it was. Then I ran up to her, growled, and then ran away. Knowing Lady, I figured I could do this for at least two hours before she got angry enough to do anything; however, I had to quickly move on since there was still a house full of things that needed destroying.
Pugs and Mayhem
Before I had my way with the house, I had to do some PR and pre-damage control. Before a pug can just walk into someone’s house and chew it up like a Prada bake, he must win the hearts of anyone who may suffer from his actions. Thus, I did what any baby pug would do in this situation and ran into the kitchen where all of the humans were and plopped down on my back for some nice belly rubs. Before I knew it I had those suckers in the paw of my hand (hehe). I stuck out my tongue, wiggled and wobbled, and give them my patented pug bug-eyed look that could make a hardened drill sergeant gush. They were mine. I put on the best show imaginable, and before I knew it everyone in the room wanted to pick my pug butt up and take me home forever. Never underestimate the power of pug.
The only problem with my kind of charisma is that once people are seduced they don’t want me to leave. It takes just as much cunning to reverse the power of my charm as it does to induce it. One must be careful not to go too far in the reversal since the ultimate goal is to hold their love after you have destroyed half of someone’s belongings. You also want to make sure you annoy the humans just enough that they don’t mind you leaving for a while. Once again, what’s the point of having a house ripe for destruction if some stupid human smothers you to death before you can have any fun?
Get the Pug Out of the Way
I thought and I thought. I wanted to go with a good poop on the carpet, but I knew that the humans had my crate upstairs, so that was out of the question. While in the middle of a belly rub from some over-eager female, I lunged forward and tore her leggings. Not a complete tear, but just bad enough for her to complain loud enough to the humans that they kicked my pug butt out to the living room. Good work, Bunk. Time to get down to business.
I was ready. I was going to make the living room look like it had just ran through by the Visigoths (I think I might have some of them in me). Where to start, where to start? To get warmed up I chased Lady around for a couple of minutes and tore up some paper I found on the ground. I don’t know what it was about this paper, but it tasted great! I wasn’t like normal paper; this paper was thick and had several sheets stuck together like a book. Each page on the book had a bunch of numbers and some female’s name written all over it as well as some strange logo that said Bank of America. The female who owned the paper much have found them just as delicious as me, because she freaked out later that night when she found torn to shreds in the corner of the room 😛
Next was the table. There’s nothing I like more than chewing on some legs of table. Mmmm how delicious. From there I moved on to some nice Christmas tree ornaments dangling from the tree. These were the good kind, too. I must have spent a good 30 minutes chewing off all of the glitter and paint on those suckers.
After eating more paper and chewing on the couch, I ran upstairs to see if the humans were dumb enough to keep the bedroom doors open. Indeed, both doors were open, which meant these humans had little experience with pugs and underwear. The humans I leave with know all too well the dangers of exposing pugs to underwear, and have cried themselves to sleep more nights than I can remember for this fact.
A bra, and a few pieces of lingerie later, I went back downstairs to join the humans in a game of Trivial Pursuit, except instead trying to prove to everyone how smart I was for knowing the population density of Romania, I found some delicious looking high-heels to mangle. As I lurched slowly along towards the shiny black shoes, I put myself in attack position and lunged in for the kill. Just before I got my teeth around the stiletto a human hand swooped it out of the way and headlong into adjacent wall me headlong. Playtime was over! No more Mr. Nice Pug. From the end of the room, I ran into a sprint and jumped right at the Christmas tree, knocking it, and all of the ornaments all over the ground. The humans quickly scrabbled to clean up the mess as I snagged a porcelain angel and ran upstairs.
No More Mr. Nice Pug
The last thing the humans said to me before throwing me into my crate for the rest of the night was “This is the last time we are taking you anywhere!” Yeah right! They own a pug. They got a pug for a reason, which was for continuous laughs and the privilege to show me off to their friends. Besides, even after all the chaos I caused, before leaving for the night the human throwing the party expressed her undying love for my adorable pug face and squeezed the pug out of me for almost five minutes.
Just remember folks, never underestimate the power of pug.