So embarrassing…(What’s a Pug to do?)
So here I am, being held in the air by one of the humans as she swings me side to side like a pendulum. I’M NOT A PENDULUM, I’M A PUG! Sorry about that, the last couple of days have been really difficult for me. For whatever reason the humans decided to start taking me to PetSmart every Tuesday night to have me participate in some kind of puppy circus. Normally, I like PetSmart because when we go it usually means that I’m going to get some new toys and see lots of humans (who all think I’m so awesome). However, on Tuesday nights it’s totally different. We walk into PetSmart, and instead of going to the toy isle we go this huge arena with a bunch of other puppies who all look like they are ready to beat me up. The worst part is this strange lady who stands around and talks the entire time about something called “training” -whatever that is. The humans seem to really like her, but she’s always coming around and teasing me with treats and teaching the humans how to tease me with treats, too. It’s so humiliating!
Before I go any further, I just want to let everyone know that I do not like other dogs. I repeat: I DO NOT LIKE OTHER DOGS! Unfortunately, the humans don’t seem to be able to grasp this notion and introduce me to other dogs ever chance they get. What are they thinking? Don’t they realize what other dogs will do to cute little pug like me? I see it all of the time, their jealousy sends them into a maddening rage. They scream, they hollar they bark. One of the dogs yesterday even went up to me and sniffed my butt. Luckily I ran away before it could finish this sickening deed. So now, I play it safe and assume every dog out there is evil and wants me dead. When another dog approaches me, I engage in a preemptive strike of barking and howling to make sure that they know loud and clear not to mess with this pug.
So back to PetSmart…Once we’re in the circus arena, I see this other puppy sitting right next to me with a strange looking human. I can already tell that this puppy and I are not going to get along so I let him know I’m not about to take any crap. BARK! BARK! BARK! I tell him. BARK! BARK! BARK! He says back…this is going to be a long night.
After the humans tease me with treats for a while, I begin to realize that these humans aren’t very cleaver, and that whenever they tease me with a treat, all I have to do something like sit or lay down, and they suddenly put a treat right in front of my face. Hahah! It takes my pug brain a little extra to put together all of the complex patterns during these teasing sessions to successfully trick a human into giving me a treat, but if I really put my little pug brain to task I can usually score some premium goodies.
As the night winds down, I begin to realize the human’s true motive for this excursion: They want us to kill each other! Just as things begin to get really tense between me and the other puppies, I hear one of the humans say something about “letting us play,” which I guess is now synonymous “killing each other.” Stupidly, the humans take all of us off our leashes and right away it was every puppy for themselves. Puppies are barking and sniffing each other’s butts, one puppy is trying to bite off another’s head…then suddenly, the one puppy I spoke of before runs straight towards me and mounts me right in front of everyone. It was the most humiliating experience of my life. You see, I do plenty off humping myself. I hump my bed, the ground, the human’s legs. All pretty standard. But this was so out of line, so inappropriate that for a minute, I contemplated not wanting to be a pug anymore.
As you might image I’m now scarred for life. Thanks you humans, I’m four months old and officially damaged goods 🙁