The Science of Dog Farts
Today, I would like to discuss the science of farts. As some of you may know, the male human and I like to engage in fart-offs (also known as competitive farting) and recently discovered there are actually barometers used to measure the intensity of farts. This information has been quiet useful to us because it is difficult to accurately determine the smelliness of a fart due to the subjectiveness of one’s nose.
The four barometers I would like to introduce are range, penetration, time (or half-life), and SPSI (Stink Per Square Inch). Together, these make up the total fart index:
α||β||γ / [(range + time)*SPSI]
Range, which in this case the male human actually has me beat, is simply the distance at which a fart travels measured in feet. The range of my farts generally varies between 2-5 feet (up to 3 feet in the wind). The human, on the other hand, has an incredible range, which can measure up 12 feet (10 feet in the wind), and shamelessly clears out cars, rooms, and grocery store lines on a regular basis.
While I do admire the human, and give him credit where credit is due, my range, in reality, is much greater because I am significantly smaller in mass than he. An accurate calculation of range is the fart-range index, which is the ratio between the farter’s mass and the distance at which the fart travels (d/m). Because the human’s fart travels up to 12 feet and his mass is approximately 180 pounds (at least that what he tells people), his actual fart-range index is 0.067 (or 0.067 feet per pound). I on the other hand, I have a range of up to 5 feet and weigh approximately 15.2 pounds (no, I don’t lie about my weight), putting my fart-range index at 0.39 (or, 0.39 feet pet pound), unequivocally giving me a greater range. Let’s put it this way, if I weighed as much as the human, my farts would travel at distances of up to 70 feet! Yeah, you don’t wanna be messin’ with a 180-pound pug!
*Interesting note: Like sound, farts travel faster in water!
The second barometer of fart smelliness is penetration, which measures the type, and density of materials a fart can travel through. The three materials usually tested in fart-penetration are clothing materials, blankets and sheets, and solid barriers, which are used because they are generally the types of barriers that keep farts from infecting someone’s nose. Unlike the fart-range index, fart-penetration is categorized by types.
Alpha farts easily pass through clothing, making them strong enough to nauseate the person sitting next to you, but not strong enough to pass through thick layers of blankets. Therefore, if someone is incapable of creating a fart with a penetration level greater than (α), they must employ the Dutch Oven technique in order to irritate and disgust the human next to whom they are laying (this technique is generally a favorite with younger, immature males unfamiliar with proper bedtime etiquette). Beta farts (β) are powerful enough to pass through think blankets, heavy-duty winter clothing, and even tents. These types of farts are quiet rare and generally account for approximately 5% of all farts. Gamma farts (γ) are extremely rare and capable of passing through the walls of insulated homes and even sheets of metal. The type of food required to create gamma farts is usually high in fiber and protein. In fact, GNC carries an extensive variety of protein shakes capable of creating farts with a gamma penetration level.
The third barometer of fart smelliness is time (or half-life), which is simply how long a fart lasts before half of its odor has evaporated. While this measurement may seem straightforward, it is in fact very complicated due to the complex nature of farts. Like earthquakes, there are generally initial farts followed by a succession of smaller farts. Fart time measures only single farts, and each fart in fart-series must be measured individually. When measuring fart time, it is important to factor in not only elapsed time, but also how smelliness is distributed throughout the total duration of the fart (represented in histograms).